Yesterday, my Mummy arrived home from work with a present for me. It was a really brilliant hat with a creepy face on it. I love it because it makes me look like I have two faces and if I wear it backwards I can scare people. The hat originally belonged to a bottle from Innocent smoothies. The bottle needed the hat for when it was in the fridge but then when Mummy drank it I got to keep it 🙂 I assumed that my new hat was to celebrate my Aunty Deborah coming to our house for dinner. I was wrong…
Have you ever heard of bribery? I looked it up in the dictionary and I don’t particularly like it. And that’s what Mummy was doing! I was only allowed to keep my hat if I agreed to have a bath. And be clean! I really hate being clean… But apparently I smell bad and I didn’t really have a choice, Mummy is bigger than me.
Why do people suddenly have a problem with how I smell? I smell great! I know this because I am Oink and everything else about me is great so surely my smell is too. In fact, I may bottle it and sell it for lots of lovely euros as ‘Eau de Oink’…
Anyway, here’s me in my hat before the horrible water got near me.
Once I heard the taps being turned on I started to get very nervous. Would my unique smell survive this bath? I hoped it might until I saw the soap coming out. Lavender. Seriously. I really don’t know what Mummy was thinking, lavender is for girls! I would have been happier with mud scented soap or maybe even wet grass flavour.
Here I am watching the water going into my bath.
Once I actually got into the bath it wasn’t so bad. It was nice and warm and I had some fun splashing about. I had to pretend I hated it though in case Mummy thought I should have baths more often. I even made sure I splashed her with dirty water so she wouldn’t want to repeat it any time soon.
Once I got out I was wrapped up in a warm towel and then I sat on the radiator to dry off properly. Mummy said I looked like Mother Teresa but I have no idea who that is. My Mummy isn’t called Teresa, very confusing… Whoever she was, I bet she didn’t have to smell like lavender…
So that was the end of bath time for another year hopefully. I’ve been looking it up on the Internet and lots of famous and powerful people didn’t like baths either. Apparently that was mainly due to a lack of hot running water in the years B.O. (Before Oink) but I think if it was good enough for Ivan the Terrible and Genghis Khan and lots of other great people then it’s good enough for me!
Also, I’m learning more about bribery and I’ve decided that it’s going to take a lot more than a new hat to convince me to have another bath. Maybe my own dragon… Now I’m off to roll in something smelly 🙂