Oink Holmes, Consulting Detective

Greetings from the British Airways Lounge at Heathrow! I’m sitting on a couch watching the planes and enjoying all the free crisps and little cans of dizzy drinks. That’s how I roll now! I’ve been looking for ways to entertain myself, I tried appointing myself barman but nobody paid for their drinks… So now I’m going to pass my time by telling you all about my visit to the Sherlock Holmes museum yesterday.

I’ve always admired Sherlock Holmes. I’ve been watching him on tv since I was very little and Mummy has his books on her phone so I read them sometimes. He’s great, really clever and always putting Dr Watson in his place (a bit like me and Ted). So when I heard that we might be able to visit his house, I stated up all night thinking up clever things to say to him so that he would invite me to join him in his crime fighting activities. Or convert him to my plans for robbing banks…

I wanted to go straight there but we had to do other tourist stuff first. I saw the Banqueting House (there was no food, false advertising) and the Jewel Tower (no jewels, seriously bad case of false advertising, I will be reporting them). And then we got on the Underground to Baker Street!!! Here I am at the station.

We went straight to the house, number 221B Baker Street. I got a bit of a fright because there was a policeman outside and I thought he might be there to arrest me. After the incident with the squirrels and the spud gun there may be an international warrant out for me… Luckily, he turned out to be really nice and he posed for a photo with me. He even gave me a pipe so that I would look more like Sherlock.

I ran up the stairs and searched the house but Sherlock wasn’t home. Which I took as a sign that he has retired and handed over his business to me. There was only one problem. Now that I was Oink Holmes, I needed a Watson to say witty things to. Enter Ted! From here on, he will be known as Dr. Ted Watson, loyal sidekick who never comes near my brilliance. We sat in front of the fire while I lectured him on my latest case, ‘The Mystery of when Mummy will go to the Shop to Buy Cake’.

After a while, we gave up on the cake and sat down to have dinner. Mummy makes a terrible Mrs Hudson, I’ll be advertising for a new housekeeper. She tried to give me VEGETABLES!!!

We went for a good look around the house after dinner. In Ted’s new room I found a weird box. It had a bowl in the middle so I climbed up to see what might be in it. I was about to stick my head in when Ted pulled a lever on the side and I jumped back just in time. It was a really old fashioned toilet! Poor Ted, he must have got a fright after nearly flushing me down it, there was no way at all that it could have been intentional.

After that, I went upstairs and had great fun shouting witty things at my arch nemesis Professor Moriarty. He stayed very quiet which was helpful, he was obviously overawed by my genius! I rather like having an official arch nemesis, it makes me look good.

Eventually, I got a bit tired so I headed to my room to rest. Unfortunately, I didn’t give Mummy any proper instructions so she decided to take me back to the hotel. Useless!

So now I’m sitting in the airport waiting for our flight back to Dublin and plotting how to get back to my new house on Baker Street. I’m going to start by offering my services around the lounge, I have a pipe and a business card so I should have no problem finding somebody to employ me. Remember, if you need someone to be nosey and condescending, Oink Holmes is the pig for the job!






3 responses to “Oink Holmes, Consulting Detective”

  1. Simon Avatar

    And no, not Oink My God!!!!!!

    1. Oink Avatar

      Too late, I have your certificates ready to join my church 😀

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