I have an urgent need for a professional who can speedily arrange my emancipation from my mother. They must be completely unscrupulous and willing to bend the truth whatever way I see fit. They must also be willing to work for peanuts. I can stretch to a daily rate of two…
The reason for this? She brought me to HAM HOUSE on my holidays. And made me pose with the sign. My life (and reputation) is in tatters. The woman is plain evil. As for my little brother, he thought it was funny… Back to the drawing board for my toddler training programme.
Today I took my little brother to the Santa Train run by the Waterford and Suir Valley Railway. An undercover mission, obviously. He distracted Santa and the elves while I loaded up my tank with all the other presents. Unfortunately, my tank couldn’t take the weight so I had to borrow some reindeer to pull it. Lucky I was wearing my Santa costume, they assumed their boss had lost a lot of weight and just a little height. Also that his sleigh had become a tank. You know, reindeer are not the brightest animals out there…
Still, a productive day all round. I’m spending the evening selling my ill gotten gains on eBay as there are only so many toy trains a young (and very handsome) future dictator needs.
I’m off on a recruiting mission today. My little brother is having his Halloween Parade at crèche so I’ve decided to go along and give the kids something to really think about by handing out copies of my manifesto. I have a chauffeur (in a tank of course) ordered for 11am, I should have them all converted by then.
In case you need to know, I’m dressed as Super Spidey Oink.
My little brother had his birthday today. It was fairly boring apart from two things. One was cake. Obviously. The other was Snow coming to visit me. It was her birthday on Valentines Day so I got her a present of some chocolates cos I heard my Dad say that girls like chocolate. I’d like to point out that this is very much a birthday present. Workplace romance is not allowed in my army and Snow is my second in command. She is fairly awesome though.
Happy Birthday Snow!
I apologise for my absence over the past few months. Let it be known that I have sacked my editor (who was useless anyway) and I have hired Elmo to be my new personal assistant. He will now be doing the boring typing bits for me while I lie back, eat peeled grapes and shout at him a lot.
It will take some time to get back up and running (the outgoing editor may have tried to sabotage things on her way out) so in the meantime, here’s a photo of me at Christmas. I got a trike. And employed Ted to do the actual work. My little brother seems to think that it’s a time-share trike. It’s not. I’ve licked it all over so he won’t want it any more. Unfortunately, he thought that was funny and tried to bite my nose… He may have to go live with his grandparents…
I will be in contact. Possibly in code. Possibly when you least expect it. Possibly when Elmo has finished sorting my grapes by size.
My henchman Garrie got a wig to try his keep his skeletal head warm. Once I stopped laughing I started to see the possibilities…disguise! All I need now is sunglasses and I should be able to go out for dinner without being constantly bothered by people looking for my autograph. On receipts, police statements, incident reports, people are always looking for my autograph!
I am finally getting the recognition that I deserve! I was passing through Penneys a few weeks ago (Mum was looking for boring clothes for herself and my boring little brother) and I spotted something wonderful. Socks with my name and face on them! Now I’m not quite sure why the powers that be chose to immortalise me on socks first (surely flags or coins would have been more appropriate) but I’ll happily accept it.
After a lot of head scratching, I’ve finally found a use for them. Labels for my little brother! Now the whole world knows that he belongs to me and can return him if he gets lost 🙂
Today I was bored, so I decided to root through all the presses in the house to find something entertaining. After emptying all the wardrobes onto the floor, I moved on to the kitchen where I had great fun throwing glass jars about. Until I found a big box at the back of the highest press. The box had my Mummy’s name on it, highly suspicious. Mummy’s aren’t meant to have secrets…
So I had to find out what she was hiding from me. I rattled the box, no sound. I sniffed it, slightly sweet. I lifted it up, not too heavy. I stuck a knife in the box and it just fell open all on it’s own! I couldn’t believe my eyes…it was a golden egg!!! A rather large one. It’s obviously a dragon egg, everybody knows that they are golden. Mummy got me my own dragon! She does listen to me after all!!!
So now I have to try to get my new dragon to hatch. I couldn’t find any internet guides to hatching dragon eggs so I’m going to do what my Granny’s chickens used to do. Sit on it. I’ve also put it in the sun to speed things up with the heat. I can feel it working already, the top is getting soft. I’ll be introducing my dragon to you all by tonight!
Now off to ponder what I shall call it…
I really have been much too busy lately to update my blog. Today I’m sitting in the hospital waiting for my little brother to have a check up and it reminded me of my awesome hospital stay back in February. So I thought you might all like to hear about it.
I always heard that hospitals were nasty places full of stinky cabbage smells and such people. I was so wrong!
First of all, my room. I got a really nice one with a view. A view of a bank… It was absolutely perfect for carrying out surveillance. By Day 2 I had worked out the schedules of all the staff and security. Unfortunately, there was a delay with my X-ray goggles order from Amazon and they didn’t get delivered in time to find out the passwords for the vaults… The only issue was that I had to share a room with Mum.
The only issue was that I had to share a room with Mum but at least I got my own bed. I got kicked out of it once my baby brother arrived though, he wouldn’t share.
Here’s one last photo of me in hospital. They gave my Mum this to breathe in and out because she was whining so much. I tried it out, it made my head very spinny…
I’ve had a very busy few weeks. It was my birthday last week (I’m 4 now, very mature) but my birthday present arrived early. I got a new little brother! I’m going to love him and train him and use him as a distraction and/or weapon!
Here are some of the things I’ll be using him for:
1. He looks really cute so he’s useful for distracting people, especially girls, while I sneak around. Banks and jewellery shops are good places to take him.
2. On a similar note, for a tiny human he’s able to make really loud noises. Also good for distracting people.
3. People give him stuff. I can mind this stuff permanently. I have told him to ask for a submarine next.
4. Weapons of Mass Destruction. I have been experimenting with his nappies and am very close to a stink bomb that could take out a whole street. If I can get cabbage into his diet I should be able to manage whole cities. And he makes lots of these every day! Useful baby 🙂
5. Money. My mother is seriously sleep deprived so I’ve managed to strike a bargain to babysit him for €500 an hour! Secret hollowed out mountain lair here I come!
6. Lifting things, reaching things, carrying me about in his pram, so many other uses that I’ve run out of patience to type them. I’m off to the park to recruit the ducks 🙂