I want more holidays

I’m back from my holidays and I’m not happy. I want more. Being at home is so dull, I finished my Easter egg and I have to wait until the weekend for Daddy to teach me how to use my new bows and arrow. I tried going to work with my Mummy but that was boring. Also, I think I showed her up by being so awesome so I’m not going in again.

I had a great holiday, I’ll probably blog about it properly at the weekend but for now I’m just posting one photo. Here’s me, Ted and Booie in Snowdonia. Lots of snow but I had chocolate so it was ok. Mum was in this photo too but she was wrecking it so I found a button on my IPad to cut her out. Great improvement.

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I hate snow

When I was only one we had great snow in Dublin. I got to make my own snowman and I threw lots of snowballs at Ted. Now that I’m so old and wise at three, here are my reasons for hating snow.

  1. It’s so cold! I’m currently hiding under two duvets and a blanket and I have an electric blanket switched on. And I’m still cold!
  2. I can’t go outside to check on the tunnel I’ve been digging in the garden. It’s at a critical stage and I’m concerned the squirrels might try to take over…
  3. Mummy won’t go outside in the snow and there’s no chocolate in the house. I tried ringing Childline about this one but they laughed at me. Note to self: they shall suffer once I take over the world…
  4. Mummy tried to make me have hot vegetable soup. She says it’s good snow food. I say IT HAS VEGETABLES, TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!!!
  5. I feel dizzy from watching the snow flakes swirling around.

In conclusion, I hate snow. I wish it would go away.

There’s only one good thing about the word Snow and that’s the fact that my best friend is called that. It’s unfortunate but not really her fault, I blame her mother. From now on I shall refer to my friend Snow only by her official title, Supreme 2nd in Command-er. Not the S word…..

 

 

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Best dinner ever!

I’m always trying to convince my Mummy to let me help her with the grocery shopping. She needs help because every week I write a list for her (chocolate, crisps, jellies) and every week she comes home with all the wrong things (fruit, vegetables, fish). This week, I finally succeeded. She was doing her shopping online and I managed to sneak something awesome into her basket without her noticing!

I live in Ireland and everyone knows that Irish boys love potatoes. The people that my Daddy works with in England seem to think that’s weird but they are obviously very strange themselves… I love potatoes because some of my favourite foods are made from them, like crisps and chips. And I have a spud gun that you can shoot bits of potatoes from 🙂

So I got the most wonderful type of potato possible, alphabet shaped! The best thing about it is that I can use to it have my own name for dinner. Awesome!!!!!

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Happy birthyday to me!!!!

Happy birthyday to me, happy birthyday to me, la la la la! I wish you could all hear my beautiful singing voice right now.

I’m 3 today but I’m getting a whole birthday week! Because I’m so important. Also because my Daddy is away today and I wanted him to be there to see me blow out my candle on Sunday. I had a great day on Sunday, I had pancakes for breakfast and I managed to find the bag of marshmallows that Mummy was using to make toppings 🙂

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I got a really awesome present, a Prince uniform 🙂 Now I can dress to match my station in life. It even came with a medal attached, it’s the Oink Award for General Awesomeness. We all had a great day out, we went to see baby animals at Newbridge Traditional Farm. The piglets were nowhere near as cute as me but the good news is that they smelled so bad that Mummy now thinks I’m clean!

After a spin, a walk on some cliffs and some tasty ice cream we headed home for cake. I love cake 🙂 I had a candle that showed my age and I got a brilliant hat to wear too. It looks like a little teapot!

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On to today. I got some Facebook messages and texts this morning which was nice. Then I went to work with Mummy because she had a big presentation and I needed to make sure she didn’t mess it up. I rewarded myself with a lot of chocolate biscuits from the tea cart. Because I deserved it 🙂 At lunchtime, I got to go for chips and then to the toy shop to pick my present. I got a whole army!!!!! The soldiers are very small at the moment but I’m going to water them so they grow. I’ve seen Mummy do that with plants and it works. They’re not moving about yet because there are adults about but once Mummy goes to bed they’ll be ready to take their orders.

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I got a lovely surprise when I got home, 5 cards came in the post! Two of them came from my Granny and my Aunty Allisum and they both have dragons on them which is brilliant! Granny’s has a knight on a horse with my name on his shield 🙂

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The best card came from my second in command, General Snow. She’s very talented, she drew a lovely picture of me on my throne wearing my crown. I very much approve. I’m going to ask her if I can use the picture on my coins and stamps when I’m Supreme Ruler.

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But for now, I’m off to eat cake. Happy Birthyday Me!!!!

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Only six more sleeps til my birthyday!

So as most of you already know (due to my constant reminding people), my birthday is next Tuesday. I’m going to be three which is a seriously important age. There’s only one problem, my Daddy won’t be at home on the day 🙁 But he will be here this weekend so I have very graciously decided to have two birthday days so that he doesn’t miss out. And if I end up with extra presents, well, I guess that would be ok.

I spent most of today working on the schedule for my birthday day on Sunday. Here’s an early draft, I’m sure I’ll think of other bits to add soon.

Sunday 2nd March

11am – Birthday breakfast pancakes with Nutella and mini marshmallows. Start the day on a sugar high 🙂

12pm – Fun mystery birthday activity (Mummy has to organise this one as a surprise for me, if it’s not a good enough surprise she will be punished. And the surprise is not allowed to involve me having to do any exercise)

4pm – Birthday nap to get ready for the evening.

6pm – Special birthday steak dinner (with candles on my steak and more candles on the potatoes. My dinner should be at least twice as big as everyone else’s)

7pm – Birthday cake time with lots of candles, balloons and singing. Banners with ‘Oink Rules’ are also acceptable.

7.30pm – Presents. Lots. No need to wrap them.

8pm – Birthday movie and popcorn time. I would like to see a funny film. There should be no cute pigs in the film because this day is all about me. The popcorn must be salty and I must have a whole bag to myself.

10pm – More birthday singing while I head to bed.

Tuesday 5th March
Mummy has to repeat it all again.

So those are my current birthday plans. I even got a special birthday shirt to wear on the day in case anyone doesn’t realise it’s my big day 🙂

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Oink shot of the week

This whole Oink shot of the week thing is getting too much. I know that my loyal public are always looking for new photos of me to print out and stick to their walls but I’m really far too busy to keep everything happy. When it’s a choice between typing or twiddling my thumbs while plotting the outfit I will be wearing when officially proclaiming myself Emperor, typing never wins. (By the way, I shall be wearing black velvet with solid gold buttons and a cape)

So I’ve decided to downgrade this slot to Oink shot of the fortnight. Try not to be upset.

To cheer you up, here’s a lovely photo of me taken last weekend when I went to see my Aunty Allisum for her birthday. That’s her hand in the photo trying to restrain me. I got her an amazing chocolate version of me (I’m so famous they now make giant chocolate pigs in my image) but I was finding it a little difficult to hand it over. I also got her a balloon but it went flat before she got to see it. That shop has lost out on its place as Chief Balloon Supplier to the Emperor… Still, I look quite cute in this photo so enjoy 🙂

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Gratuitous Oink shot of the week

This week, I’ve decided to share a photo of me looking adorable. Not only do I look remarkably cute, I’m also doing some charity work here, reading a Noddy book to Booie who is too old and feeble to do it himself.

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Booie has a completely different version of events that involve him reading to me because I was too lazy to do it myself but he’s obviously crazy.

Happy Gratuitous Oink Shot of the Week day!

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Happy Valentines Day

To all my loyal followers, I hope you all have a lovely Valentines Day. I’m sorry that so many of you are disappointed that I can’t be with you today but I can only be in one place at a time. Here’s a lovely picture of me to cheer yourself up with.

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One pig and his bucket

I spent all last week looking after my Mummy because my Daddy had to go away for work. It wasn’t easy, she’s very badly behaved. She kept trying to have vegetables for dinner instead of chocolate and pizza and everyone knows that vegetables are bad for you. Whereas pizza with meat toppings is a great source of calcium and protein. I try to ignore the tomato sauce bit…

So after all my work trying to keep an eye on Mummy I deserved a reward. She brought me to the shop to pick out something and I got this 🙂

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It’s my very own bucket set complete with shovels, a rake and a sifter tool. It also had some lollipops included to keep my sugar levels up while playing with my new toys. There are so many things that I can do with my new bucket, here are some of my ideas.

1. Digging holes.
It’s basic but it’s also one of the best. I can dig holes anywhere. I started by digging little practice holes around my Mummy’s desk to see what depth trip holes needed to be. It turns out that about one inch will do. Unfortunately, my Mummy is now having trouble carrying me around because she hurt her arm when she tripped…

2. Digging trenches and tunnels.
These are useful for getting around without being seen. I had great fun digging practice tunnels until a worm landed on my face. My new plan for digging the actual tunnel into the bank vaults is to get Monkey, Rascal and Biggles to do it. I knew I had minions for a reason 🙂

3. Treasure hunting and gold prospecting.
I’ve worked out what the sieve is for. Treasure! I just need to find a stream to sieve for gold in. In the meantime, I’m copying one of my favourite shows, Time Team, and I’m digging about it the mud and then using my sieve to check for treasure. So far I found more worms, some stones and a 5 cent coin! It works!

4. Hiding traps.
I’ve found a use for the rake now. The squirrels in our back garden are getting out of hand, stealing all the food I’ve been leaving out for the robin I’m trying to train (I got that idea from Snow). So I’ve been digging squirrel traps and then raking leaves over them so the squirrels don’t see them. Once I have them trapped I can explain to them what they’re doing wrong and they’ll join my army happily.

5, Carrying things.
The bucket is very useful for that, I’ve been using it to carry about all the coins that get lost about the house. They get lost in strange places, the floor, the couch, Mummy’s purse, Daddy’s pockets. If it wasn’t for me I don’t know what would become of all the lovely coins.

So far those are my main uses for my bucket set, I’m sure I’ll find more soon though 😀

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My visit to the Tower of Oinkdon

Two weeks ago I got to go to one of my favourite cities for a few days, London. It’s such a great city that I’ve decided to honour it by renaming it after me. Oinkdon. I think it has a good ring to it. I’ll be writing a few blogs about it but I’m going to start with one of the best buildings ever, the Tower of London. I mean Oinkdon. The Tower of Oinkdon.

 

I went to visit the Tower with my Mummy and Ted but I really only brought them so that they could take photos of me. I was meant to be wearing my Beefeater costume so that I could fit in properly but Mummy forgot to pack it…. I was so disappointed, I had to wear my red and black hoodie so at least I got the colours right. I arrived in style, by riverboat. I heard that’s the way the king used to arrive so I had to go that way because any day now I’m going to be declared King of the Universe. Here I am outside the Tower, I couldn’t wait to get inside!

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I got a guided tour from one of the Beefeaters so that I would know my way around when I took control. Other people tagged along too but I’m not sure why. They were probably just following me because I’m so great but I’m a little bit worried that they know where all the guns are now and also where all the treasure is kept… I’ll have to move it once I get my set of keys. After the tour I had a good look around on my own and examined all the important places. The next photo shows me examining the one that I will be using most. The Traitor’s Gate. For all the people who disobey me 😀 I might be sending Ted through it first, he followed me around shaking his head and sighing a lot while I was taking notes. He doesn’t seem to believe that it’s my tower now.

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I also got to try out some of the cool defense features like this portcullis. I wanted to drop it on the heads of some tourists but Ted but a lock on it so it wouldn’t move 🙁

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When I get my own set of armour made he won’t be able to stop me from doing anything ever again. I’m getting this set customised to my exact size but I might get some spikes added to it… Also, I need to teach my mother how to use a camera properly…
040One of the really great things about the Tower of Oinkdon (apart from the treasure, that’s definitely the most awesome part) is the ravens. Six of them have to live there all the time because if they fly away, the Tower will be taken over or fall down or something like that. Well I don’t want the Tower to fall down but I do want to take it over so I decided to have a good chat with the ravens. They didn’t answer me so I took that to mean that they liked my plan and would be happy to see me crowned king there. I decided to call this one Jim-Bob. He didn’t seem to mind.

032I really wanted to stay in the Tower forever, there was so much to see and do. But then Mummy reminded me that there were other things in London/Oinkdon that required my attention. Like the giant battleship parked outside my Tower. I’m not sure that it’s going to fit through the water gate at the Tower so I’ll have to divide my time between the two. They both have guns so I’m happy 🙂

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