My new minions

I have sooo much to update my loyal followers on that it’s hard to choose what topic to start with. The biggest news is that I’m a big brother now so lots of people are starting to call to our house with presents for me (Mum, Dad and Baby seem to think it’s somehow about them, they’re wrong). So far I’ve had chocolate cake (awesome), clothes (I’ll grow into them) and flowers (terrific fun to decapitate one by one).

But the best present so far came from the Commander in Chief of my European army wing, Snow. She brought me two new minions to do my bidding! They’re very obedient, exactly what I needed. Baby isn’t very obedient, apart from when I tell him to poop…. I’ll be spending my evening thinking up new names for the minions 🙂

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Present time!

So as most of my loyal followers know, I’m getting a new minion in a few weeks time. At first I wasn’t terribly amused because my parents had neglected to consult me properly before bringing a ‘baby’ into the house but, over time, I’ve decided that it will be a good thing. I have been experimenting with henchmen for years and nothing seems to be working out (Monkey ran away, Dragon won’t fly for me, Ted keeps telling me to shut up…). The problem is obviously nothing to do with me, I just need to get my hands on them very very early. So I have been playing my manifesto to Baby at night and it’s training is coming along nicely. It kicks Mummy on command and the other day I even got it to kick Daddy in the head when he was trying to listen to it! I will of course be at the hospital when it gets parole to greet it properly and give it it’s ‘Oink Rules’ membership pack. I tried to post that to the baby a few weeks ago but it got returned, An Post need lessons in how to do registered post properly…

Baby might be coming out around my birthday. This is good because I can then claim it as my present. Because I’m so incredibly important, presents have already started arriving for me. I’m not quite sure what to do with some of them (why would I need bottles? They don’t seem to have champagne in them…) but others are proving useful. Such as my new beds for upstairs and downstairs so I can relax in style!

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I’m really enjoying my birthday two months, it’s such a shame I didn’t get this treatment last year too. I shall lodge a formal complaint with my staff!

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Santa loves me!

I’ve been extremely well behaved for the last few weeks so yesterday, I got to go visit Santa! He was lovely, he listened to everything that I had to say and he didn’t say no when I asked for a dragon so fingers crossed!

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I also got to see my friend Snow last night and she even gave me a Christmas present! I can’t wait to open it once Christmas is here. Patience is not my greatest quality so I’m currently working out ways to speed time up. By ripping pages out of diaries and opening extra windows on everyone’s Advent calendars. Disposing of the chocolatey evidence is a burden but I’ll manage somehow 🙂

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This is how I roll…

Just a quick update for you all. Last week, I made a new friend. I chose this new friend very carefully and for the in no way selfish reason that he has his own car and is willing to be my taxi driver (also because he never remembers to charge). His name is Noddy and this is me in his car. My mother keeps singing a weird song around him and asking if she can make his head nod but that’s probably just because she’s a bit ancient and her brain is getting rusty…

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Sometimes, he even lets me drive! So far I’ve only knocked over three lampposts and a few bollards. I’m a pretty awesome driver!

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Noddy’s car is not the only form of transport that I have been using over the last week. My new sibling (the one arriving next year) got a special delivery of something called a ‘buggy’. At first it sounded boring and I just used all the boxes to build a wall inside the front door. This may seem a bit pointless but it worked out very profitably indeed. I charged Mummy €2 as a toll to be allowed past when she came home.

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I wasn’t terribly interested in what was in the boxes until I heard Daddy asking Ted if he wanted to go for a spin. So I tripped up Ted and got there first. It turns out that the baby gets it’s own travel system!!! Why didn’t I have my own travel system??? Easily solved, I have claimed this one as my own and the baby and just sit on the floor. I think I look pretty good in it though I am planning some improvements. I’ll be starting with go-faster stripes and then moving on to some sort of jet propulsion system. Ted will design it for me.

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Halloween again

As you all know, Halloween is my favourite time of the year (apart from Christmas and my birthday). I get to spend weeks planning the festivities and preparing my costume. I thought long and hard and decided that this year, I needed a costume that would make a profit. So I went as Santa and spent the day taking small down payments from people who wanted to get on my ‘nice’ list. I now have enough money to buy the biggest selection box in Tesco and also a very long list of people who will be getting runny reindeer poo in their socks instead of presents (I’m looking at you Mummy).

Halloween is also Ted’s birthday. This year he displayed his customary lack of imagination by dressing as a pumpkin. Again. I spent ages working on party games to play for the evening, like bobbing for apples (where I dunk people in water that has an apple in it or alternatively send them down a river inside a hollowed out apple to see how long they float for), snapdragon (where I train a pet dragon to bite people) and trick or treat (where I take treats from people and then trick them anyway). But yet again, my parents got in the way. Ted got to choose the days activities and all he wanted was some chocolate, a cake and an evening watching his favourite tv shows (it was Arrow again, he always supports the good guy though, so boring!). Here’s a photo of Ted with his cake, he’s 7 now and acting terribly grown up and dull…

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Sorry there aren’t any photos of me in my Santa outfit, I’m saving those as a special treat for you all in my future Christmas countdown posts!

Oink x

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I do like my famous friends!

Hi all,

It’s a while since I had time to blog, I’ve been far too busy hanging out with cool people and also plotting how to get myself some golden shoes so that I don’t look out of place with them. You see, I only hang out with celebrities now.

I recently brought my parents and my Granny along to a talk given by a very important friend of mine (we’re even friends on Facebook so we’re obviously very close). Petra Kindler gave a really interesting and funny talk about her life and her work and lots of people came to see her!

We got to Garter Lane a bit early so I decided to take in the artistic atmosphere and create some beautiful pieces of my own. Luckily I found everything I needed lying around, even my favourite shades of crayon (black and red). My work is currently on sale for €3000 each as a special introductory offer. I am a genius after all.

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Finally the doors opened and I was able to take my seat, my mother messed up and got me a ticket in the second row instead of on the stage itself…she has been suitably punished for her stupidity. Before Petra went on stage, I decided to warm things up a bit for her. I could really get used to being in the spotlight, I really think it suited me. I did some interpretive dance but nobody seemed to notice me, it was a very tough crowd.

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I spent most of the talk enjoying myself listening to Petra while imagining how my life was going to change now that everyone knows that I hang out with famous people who have posters with their names on them. Then I spent some time making a plan for my own talk which I’m planning on touring with. It will be based around how difficult it is to be three and have parents who just don’t help with your world domination plots. Anyway, on to the moment that you’ve all been waiting for; here’s a photo of me with my bestie, Petra.

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We all really enjoyed our outing and I only had one complaint about the whole thing which for me is very impressive. She had a whole stage to give out about my Uncle Donal’s treatment of me from (he keeps leaving confusing comments on my Facebook page about apples and stuffing and crackling) and she didn’t say anything! I’m guessing it was probably because she’s still writing a much longer talk about how bold he is…

So I’m off to take a nap before I start on my Halloween blog, it’s been a long week!

Over and out,

Oink xxx

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Circus Oinkimus (Featuring Garzan the Strongman)

Greetings puny humans!

I have wonderful news for you all. As of last week, I own my own circus! I have graciously agreed to let them continue to travel around the world in order to spread the word of Oink through the media of acrobatics and interpretive dance. It was the least I could do, after all, I am their dear leader.

It all started a few weeks ago when my mother came home from work one day with tickets to go to the Russian Circus. I was pretty excited about going to the circus but then I got some even better news, Garrie and his human had tickets too! Garrie is absolutely awesome, he’s completely ruthless and evil minded as well as being incredibly strong. He calls his mum his ‘human’ which I don’t quite understand but it sounds really cool. I tried it with my mum but all that happened was that she confiscated my dessert…

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I spent the next few weeks chatting to Garrie online when I had the house to myself. Ted showed me how to use a secure connection so that the adults wouldn’t be able to track what we were up to. After a lot of discussion we decided that there was only one possible course of action. We had to take over the circus.

The first thing that we needed to do was to make sure that we looked the part. Garrie decided to go as the strongman so tht he could infiltrate both backstage and the ring itself. His human (he also calls her his transport device) assisted in making his costume, it was quite like Tarzan, he looked great. I decided to be Ringmaster as befits my station in life (most awesome at everything), I wore my formal suit with my top hat and, of course, a cape.

The day of the circus came and we all went out for dinner beforehand. I had chicken and Garrie had pizza, we needed to make sure that we had all our strength for what lay ahead.

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We finally got to the circus and it lived up to all our expectations. The tent was pretty cool, much better than the ones that you see in camp sites. We stayed with the adults until we got inside, there was no point in wasting our energy sneaking in when we could just hang about in our special carrier devices (definitely not handbags). Then once the adults were all in their seats, we headed to the ringside for a better view. Garrie scouted out the backstage area while I rewired the sound and light systems and changed all the music to my favourite tunes. By the time Garrie got back we had a plan. It only took a little bit of chloroform (I had borrowed that from Booie) and I was the new official ringmaster and Garrie was the new strongman. A few minutes of my latest album, ‘Subliminally Oink’, and all the rest of the performers were chanting my name. Success!

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By the time the interval came we were a little bit bored so we sent some servants to get us treats. One of the best things about owning your own circus is the unlimited access free popcorn and candyfloss!

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While I was busy supervising the second act, Garrie decided to have a little fun of his own. He didn’t tell me exactly what he was up to but I saw him coming out from under the tiered seats and later on he was sitting at the top of the tent throwing nuts and bolts at people who weren’t paying proper attention.

Overall, we really enjoyed our circus trip. We decided to let them carry on their tour so that the word of Oink will travel far and wide. We’re currently working on new sets and costumes for everybody for next year, the theme will be ‘Oink and Garrie Rule’. I smell success already!

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Life is so much better when you have a partner in crime (literally)

Greetings loyal subjects,

I come to you today with good news. I have finally found my perfect partner in crime (I wanted to say henchman but he said no). While General Snow is still my number one, she’s rather better at planning than brute force so I needed someone who would blindly obey orders to DESTROY!!!!!

Just when I was giving up, I met Garrie. He’s awesome! He doesn’t speak much due to the fact that he’s a skeleton and doesn’t have vocal chords but we understood each other straight away. I explained my manifesto, he let me know that he liked it by throwing paper clips in the air and breaking pencils. We spent the morning making plans and complementing each other on our taste in knitwear (you may recognise my hoodie as the one that Snow’s mum made me).

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In the afternoon, we waited for all the boring adults to disappear before putting our main plan into action. We had spotted a safe and everybody knows that those are always full of gold and maybe some diamonds (which I want to sew onto my Prince outfit to look more regal). I made sure that the coast was clear while Garrie did what he does best, apply brute force to inanimate objects. Unfortunately the adults came back before we got it fully open…

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Garrie’s mum has gone back to college now so he won’t be back at work to help me. Luckily, we have a new plan. I brainwashed my mum into getting us all tickets to go to the circus! I will be dressed as the ringmaster (I have my top hat ready) and Garrie will be dressed as the circus strong man so we should manage to take over within the first 5 minutes. I’ve always wanted my own circus!

In the meantime, I’m off to get some lunch. See you all soon!

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My most important role yet

Greetings dear followers.

I have a very important announcement to make. In a few months time I will be undertaking my most important role yet. I’m going to be a big brother!!!!!

I am currently undergoing serious training for this new position. I have conducted lots of research and have discovered that it should be able to hear me soon. So I’m recording plenty of audio of both my singing (I know the baby will be a fan) and of course, my political manifesto. I’m running very low on decent leaders in my Army (apart from Vice-Admiral Snow and General in charge of computer stuff Ted) so I’m hoping that if I start the indoctrination before it’s born, it will come out ready to help me.

At first I wasn’t terribly pleased about being a big brother but I’ve now decided that I can use it to my advantage.
1. I can blame things I break on the baby.
2. I can get the baby to distract people by looking cute (but not as cute as me)
3. I can ask the baby to cry to drown out noises like explosives going off or me drilling into bank vaults.
4. It’s going to get lots of cool stuff that I can steal borrow.

The last point is important. So far, the baby got some really cool mittens that Granny made for it. Now it obviously doesn’t need them for another few months so I have appropriated them. And I think they suit me very well.

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Ted: It’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it!

Hi All,

Oink seems to have forgotten that he has a blog (he’s busy with other things that he will probably inform you about in a few weeks time if he isn’t in prison by then…) so I’ve decided to let you know what I’ve been up to this week.

My Daddy spends every second week working abroad in a very difficult job. Luckily it’s an IT based job which is my speciality so this week, I decided to brave the wrath of PLATO and go to work with Daddy. He needed my help. The project we’re working on is top secret but I can just about tell you all that it’s all about Cloud Computing. Something that I touched on when I working in IBM with Daddy.

This week we got through the airport quickly. Mainly because Oink stayed at home. He also gets stopped for questioning by the secret police… I had also gone through our bags to make sure he hadn’t left anything illegal in there…

So here’s what I got up to this week. I ususlly use the desk beside Daddy so we can chat and help each other (and so that I can steal his chocolate easily). atmydesk

 

A lot of the time I am reviewing buggy code and making sure that it all works. On occasion a fresh perspective on things helps hence why I help Daddy and his team when they’re really, really stuck.
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I usually examine the Kanban board to see the highest priority work. (I get Daddy to move the tickets about on the board because I’m not tall enough yet)

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When the rest of the team are in London I tend to join in on the daily conference call. We get told what to do for the day and the latest info on how the project is coming along. I stay quiet and just listen in.yetanotherconferencecall

I usually work when the rest of the team aren’t about. Apparently there are things called child labour laws and since I’m only 6 years old I shouldn’t be working at all. It doesn’t seem to matter that I find it so easy it’s not really work. So from around 6pm to 8pm I settle down to work and handle all the tough issues that weren’t solved during the day.

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After work I get dinner with Daddy (i promised Mum I’d make sure he was eating) and go to bed. When I’m over in England with Daddy I usually get my own bed 🙂 He snores really badly so it’s the least he can do for me!

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But my time with Daddy in the UK isn’t all work, work, work… Sometimes we go to the Cinema and we have popcorn, chocolate and fizzy drinks. Usually Mummy makes me tasty food and I don’t get to have ‘junk food’… don’t tell Mummy 🙂

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The best part of our week though is when we head home to Mummy, Booie and especially the wonderful and incredibly handsome Oink [I didn’t write that Oink edited my post… Grr…]suitcase

I’m flying with Daddy today… Can’t wait to get into the BA Lounge in Heathrow, they have little coke cans that are my size 🙂

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