Thunder and Lightning in Dublin

Hi All,

I’ve decided to use Oink’s blog to inform the world of just what a little sissy Oink is. It’s suitable revenge for all the general nuisance he causes around the house.

So for the last 24 hours we’ve had really bad thunder, lightning and rain in Dublin (on and off). I have an advanced degree in meteorology that I studied for online so weather doesn’t really bother me. The thunder woke me up ok but I was planning on going straight back to sleep once I had checked that Mummy was ok and that the skylight on the landing wasn’t open (I didn’t want to walk on soggy carpet for weeks). Unfortunately, Oink also woke up…

He ran around the room in circles squealing and he just wouldn’t listen to sense. Eventually Booie managed to trap him in a net he keeps under his pillow and we gagged him.

On to today. The thunder has started up again but this time Oink is too scared to even get out of bed. He seems to think that if he hides his head then it’s not really happening and it will all go away. He’s so brave and fearless…

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In honour of Oink’s bravery, I have composed this short poem:

It’s raining,
It’s pouring,
Oink says I’m boring,
But he’s the one in bed,
Covering his head,
And he won’t get out til the morning…

Ted x

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Operation Destroy PLATO

Dear loyal followers,

As you are most probably aware, I recently gained a new arch-nemesis. This came about when my brother Ted was kidnapped by a group called PLATO (largely due to Dad’s incompetence in keeping an eye on Ted but also because one member of PLATO had been pretending to be nice to lull Dad into a sense of security). As you all know, nobody is allowed to torment Ted except me, that’s what brothers are for.

So I decided to do some research on this band of renegades calling themselves PLATO. They have a website so they must be legitimate. It’s not as awesome as mine though… They have their own Torturer General which I have to say impressed me, I’ll have to get one of those. And she looks terribly inoffensive which is a smart move on their part…
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At this stage I hadn’t fully decided whether it was worth trying to recruit PLATO to my cause rather than destroy them but then my Mum told me what their name means. The Provisional League Against Ted and Oink. Now I can forgive a lot of things, tormenting my Dad, kidnapping and threatening to torture my brother, fine. But putting Ted’s name ahead of mine??? NEVER!!! They must be annihilated….

So on to today. It turns out that Ted and I are going back to England next week and we will be staying at a secret location very close to PLATO HQ. Let the plotting commence!

First of all, the Torturer General. I have done some research and have decided that the easiest way around her is probably bribery. Luckily, Ted is a computer genius so he was able to check the domain registration for their website to get her address. So our first stop will be her house where after some surveillance, we will be breaking into her room to give her Piglet. I have been reliably informed that Piglet is ridiculously cute so she won’t be able to resist. Piglet will keep her distracted while we carry out the rest of our plan.

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Once it is safe to do so, Piglet will climb to the window and deploy her helicopter back pack which is programmed to fly her home in time for dinner.

While Piglet is distracting the Torturer General, I will be at PLATO HQ with Ted, my troops and my aerial unit led by Biggles. I won’t give too much away but there is a very high chance that once I’m done, there won’t be any HQ left and what remains of PLATO will be begging for forgiveness and an opportunity to join my army (as lowly henchmen of course). Mwah ha ha ha ha!!!!!

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To the Lighthouse! Oink Lighthouse that is :)

Last week was a very sad one for me, I lost my only Great-Grandad 🙁 He was awesome, he taught me so many things, like how to get into trouble and how to do a really good boldy face. So I decided to honour his memory in the best way that I could think of; by taking over a real Lighthouse! He would have approved.

 

We had to go all the way to Wicklow to find a suitable Lighthouse. It was officially called ‘Wicklow Lighthouse’ but I changed that straight away by putting a sign on the gate. It said ‘Oink Lighthouse – Trespassers Beware!’. First impressions were very good, it looked very tall which is useful for spying on everyone for miles around and there were lots of sheep around that I could possibly recruit. Here’s a photo of me on my way in.

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We met a very nice man called Brendan who let us into the Lighthouse. The takeover was much easier than expected, he just handed over the keys! I was expecting to have to just barricade myself in so that saved me some work. I had a quick chat with his dog Lassie, I got some great tips on possible weak points that would need extra defence. There was only one problem really. Steps. 109 of them to the top. It’s hard to be properly sneaky when you have to get your brother Ted to give you a boost up that many times. Luckily I didn’t need to go to the very top because that’s the kitchen and I had brought my servants (Mummy and Granny) with me. I got as far as my bedroom and barely managed to let my army out of their bag before I needed a nap. You can see them on the bedside table here guarding me.

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Once I had my nap, I set about dividing my army up into battalions and stationing them at the weak points around the tower, the windows. We could see a second tower from one window so that’s where I put my cannon in case anyone used that tower to try to attack me. Here I am giving orders to my soldiers.

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Once I had that battalion fully instructed I decided to concentrate on another source of threat, the sea… At first I was only thinking about defence but then I had a great idea. Pirate Oink! The only problem was that I had forgotten my pirate flag. Still, if I had a flag it would only give boats advance warning. 4

Once I had all my soldiers sorted out, I decided to relax a bit and enjoy my new Lighthouse. I found a stash of chocolate and crisps that my Daddy had been hiding in his bag (he probably meant to give them to me later on so I just took them a bit early) and I sat in one of the window openings keeping watch for passing ships through Grandad’s binoculars. I saw some seals and what Mummy thought might be a surfaced WHALE!!! It was either that or a submarine because it disappeared all of a sudden. I’m not sure which I would prefer, I really want a submarine but I think Santa might bring me one so maybe I’d prefer a whale right now. I do need to start up my sub-aqua unit, our goldfish have proved utterly useless…

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Once I got bored of all the sitting around (all the chocolate was gone) I went to explore the rest of the tower. On the ground floor I found a really weird box with ropes all over it. I thought that maybe it was a treasure box so I climbed all over it until I found a way in. I didn’t find anything which was disappointing but then the problems started. I was stuck! I couldn’t find a way out at all. I called for help and after a few minutes, Booie came down the stairs to see what was wrong. He disappeared again so I decided that he had gone to get help. He hadn’t. He came back with a blanket and a big bag of crisps and settled down to watch me. He even took photos with his iPhone. He’s so mean! Eventually Mummy passed by and got me out of the box. I was not amused… Booie will pay when I take over the world! Also, how come he gets his own phone when I have to keep ‘borrowing’ other peoples?

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I decided after that to kick everyone out of my Lighthouse (except my soldiers of course and I kept Granny to get me my dinners). I locked them all outside and sat right inside the door with some of my soldiers to make sure that they couldn’t get back in. Unfortunately, Booie was skinny enough to get through the bars when I got distracted. I really need to get a better attention span, I wonder do they sell those on eBay?

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I was very annoyed two days later when it turned out that we had to give the Lighthouse back. It belongs to the Irish Landmark Trust and they had rented it out to other people too. I sent Mummy to the shop to get me a scratch card to try to win enough money to just buy the whole place from them but once again, she bought the wrong ticket. I can’t rely on her at all, I’ll have to reconsider her position in my new world order. Daddy is my new favourite person now, he says that he will bring me back to the Lighthouse for a whole week in the winter when I might get to see storms and there will be an even bigger supply of chocolate! Goodbye Lighthouse, I miss you 🙁

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Escaped!

Hi all, Ted here…

This morning I was kidnapped by the members of PLATO (Provisional League Against Ted\Oink) and was held captive. They even placed a blog post saying they took me ted-kidnapped.info 🙁

Luckily my captors are really stupid and didn’t lock the door to my cell so when they went for their lunch I slipped out and ran to safety…

Ted's Escape!

They don’t know I’ve escaped yet so I’m going to lay low and get back home quietly before they notice I’m gone! 🙂 This will give my brother Oink the chance to amass his army of squirrels, ducks and little soldiers…. Actually… I don’t think his army is going to be big enough to take down PLATO so I think I’ll have to come up with a plan of my own…

WAR IS DECLARED!

 

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Property to Let

A remarkable opportunity has come up in the property letting market in Waterford. Oink Properties Ltd. is proud to present to the public this charming cottage, full of character and complete with a south facing garden.

The accommodation is very spacious, consisting of a porch and sitting room/kitchen/bedroom. It also has all modern conveniences, including a toilet hole in the garden and a removable roof for those lovely sunny Irish afternoons (or when the smell gets a bit much and you need to let some air in). Wifi can be stolen from the neighbours at no extra cost.

The garden has been beautifully planted with weeds in all the right places. There is also an historic crabapple tree which will provide fruit/missiles in the autumn.

The neighbourhood is very quiet and family friendly. The nearest neighbours are a family of chickens. If you get up very early you can steal eggs from their garden.

This is a property not to be missed! Please contact Oink Properties Ltd. on Daddy’s mobile (I’ve stolen it again) or at my website.

Offers over €2,000 per month.

Rent allowance accepted.

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Phew, that was close!

Project World Domination: Day 241

My team of highly trained soldiers (the ones I got for my birthday) have been tunneling from my garden to the nearest bank vault. It has not been easy. My plans were, as usual, brilliant but we have come across some issues which have delayed progress. Firstly, my mother found the original tunnel entrance and filled it in. she thought it was made by a squirrel looking for nuts. We have repositioned the entrance under a craftily positioned flowerpot. secondly, the route that I wanted to use went through enemy squirrel territory. They have also been observed by my aerial reconnaissance unit (the robin that lives next door) digging in the area. I have yet to work out what they are up to. We had no choice but to take a more challenging route, under the house…

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As the tunnel got longer I had yet another marvelous idea. I need a secret lair to install my surveillance equipment in and a secret underground room would be perfect. My soldiers have done great work excavating and reinforcing the walls for me. I may get them to add further chambers to store all the gold that I will be liberating from the bank in.

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Last night saw the culmination of many weeks work. I was supervising the opening of a secret entrance from my lair into the house so that I won’t have to go outside when it’s raining. It was a delicate task involving dynamite and about 80 of my soldiers. I was of course wearing my camouflage outfit for the occasion. I waited until everyone was asleep and I even put earplugs on them all before ‘Project Blow a Hole in the Floor’ commenced. It all ran smoothly apart from one tiny little thing. I seriously underestimated the effects of dynamite on the house… The bang was louder than I had anticipated and the walls shook quite a lot. Mummy woke up but luckily the sleeping pills I had crushed into her dinner hadn’t fully worn off yet so she fell asleep again.

It took about an hour to clean up the house after the explosion and the entrance to my secret lair is now perfectly hidden. This morning, I watched my mum very closely to see if she suspected anything. It was all going great until she walked into the sitting room and noticed that the mirror was crooked on the wall. There is a chance that some of my soldiers may be facing a court martial over this… Luckily, she turned on the radio at the same time and guess what? There was an earthquake off Wales last night at exactly the same time that I pressed the detonator and the tremors were felt in Dublin! She’s now really excited that she felt an earthquake and she doesn’t suspect a thing! Success!!!!

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Adventures around Westminster

Last week I got to spend a whole day wandering around London. I brought my Mummy with me to carry me around (walking tires me out so I have less energy for mischief) but I got to choose where we went. I spent ages circling places with interesting names in my guidebook and off we went!

We started with a trip on one of my favourite forms of transport, the Tube. You get to go underground, I’m planning on talking to their engineers when I’m building my own secret tunnel system. My first stop was the Jewel Tower. I was so excited, I was going to see so much gold and those coloured stones that girls seem to like. I mainly like gold. I think I may have been a dragon in a past life… There was only one problem. They’d taken all the jewels away 🙁 False advertising!!!!

So onwards to the Houses of Parliament. It’s a nice building, lots of turrets and flags which I definitely approve of. And I saw a great statue of a king on a horse, I’m going to get one of those made with me sitting on a squirrel. It’ll look great outside my future palace. I may even use the image for the reverse sides of my currency.

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I was planning to go into the Parliament to show them all how a country should be run but then I got hungry. So on to the Banqueting House at Whitehall. I was really looking forward to having some great food here but once again, false advertising. There was no food at all! I decided to stick around to have a look anyway (in case the food was in a secret room somewhere).

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I did get some decorating hints for my future palace, I will be having a similar throne for example. And I will be getting a ceiling painted in a similar way. The audio guide said a man called Rubens painted it, he doesn’t seem to be on Facebook so if anybody has his phone number or email address, please let me know. I think he’ll like my plans, each panel will be an image of me.

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After a quick stop at the chocolate shop, I dropped in to Downing Street to have a chat with my friend David. He needed some advice on world politics and I was the obvious person to ask. There were guards outside the big gate but I just walked straight through the barriers. I left Mummy outside because she would cramp my style. David gave me some lunch but all the sandwiches had cucumber in them so I just had my chocolate.

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My last stop before I got back on the Tube was to the Horseguards Museum. I had a chat with some of the horses, they seemed to be interested in my employment terms (including unlimited carrots, I have absolutely no interest in carrots so they can happily have them).

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The day ended really well with a trip to Sherlock Holmes’ house but I already told you about that. So now I’m off to the garden to practice tunnel digging. I’m hoping to persuade the squirrels to do all the hard work.

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Oink Holmes, Consulting Detective

Greetings from the British Airways Lounge at Heathrow! I’m sitting on a couch watching the planes and enjoying all the free crisps and little cans of dizzy drinks. That’s how I roll now! I’ve been looking for ways to entertain myself, I tried appointing myself barman but nobody paid for their drinks… So now I’m going to pass my time by telling you all about my visit to the Sherlock Holmes museum yesterday.

I’ve always admired Sherlock Holmes. I’ve been watching him on tv since I was very little and Mummy has his books on her phone so I read them sometimes. He’s great, really clever and always putting Dr Watson in his place (a bit like me and Ted). So when I heard that we might be able to visit his house, I stated up all night thinking up clever things to say to him so that he would invite me to join him in his crime fighting activities. Or convert him to my plans for robbing banks…

I wanted to go straight there but we had to do other tourist stuff first. I saw the Banqueting House (there was no food, false advertising) and the Jewel Tower (no jewels, seriously bad case of false advertising, I will be reporting them). And then we got on the Underground to Baker Street!!! Here I am at the station.

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We went straight to the house, number 221B Baker Street. I got a bit of a fright because there was a policeman outside and I thought he might be there to arrest me. After the incident with the squirrels and the spud gun there may be an international warrant out for me… Luckily, he turned out to be really nice and he posed for a photo with me. He even gave me a pipe so that I would look more like Sherlock.

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I ran up the stairs and searched the house but Sherlock wasn’t home. Which I took as a sign that he has retired and handed over his business to me. There was only one problem. Now that I was Oink Holmes, I needed a Watson to say witty things to. Enter Ted! From here on, he will be known as Dr. Ted Watson, loyal sidekick who never comes near my brilliance. We sat in front of the fire while I lectured him on my latest case, ‘The Mystery of when Mummy will go to the Shop to Buy Cake’.

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After a while, we gave up on the cake and sat down to have dinner. Mummy makes a terrible Mrs Hudson, I’ll be advertising for a new housekeeper. She tried to give me VEGETABLES!!!

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We went for a good look around the house after dinner. In Ted’s new room I found a weird box. It had a bowl in the middle so I climbed up to see what might be in it. I was about to stick my head in when Ted pulled a lever on the side and I jumped back just in time. It was a really old fashioned toilet! Poor Ted, he must have got a fright after nearly flushing me down it, there was no way at all that it could have been intentional.

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After that, I went upstairs and had great fun shouting witty things at my arch nemesis Professor Moriarty. He stayed very quiet which was helpful, he was obviously overawed by my genius! I rather like having an official arch nemesis, it makes me look good.

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Eventually, I got a bit tired so I headed to my room to rest. Unfortunately, I didn’t give Mummy any proper instructions so she decided to take me back to the hotel. Useless!

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So now I’m sitting in the airport waiting for our flight back to Dublin and plotting how to get back to my new house on Baker Street. I’m going to start by offering my services around the lounge, I have a pipe and a business card so I should have no problem finding somebody to employ me. Remember, if you need someone to be nosey and condescending, Oink Holmes is the pig for the job!

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My anniversary weekend

Hi All,

Can you believe that it’s a whole year since I had my giant party in Waterford Castle? It’s been a busy year, my war against the squirrels has come to an end (I won) and my plans to take over the world are coming along nicely. I just need someone to fix my tank, I tried to drive it down the stairs and the tracks fell off…

This weekend was great fun. My parents decided to take me back to the Castle to celebrate (they seemed a bit confused about it being their day rather than mine). I had a brilliant time. When they went to dinner I ordered lots of room service, I got champagne and cake, much better than the nasty vegetables that might have been on their plates. I went to stay at my Granny’s house on Saturday night. Daddy bought me a lovely bottle of champagne, it was quite tasty but the bubbles got up my nose and I spent the rest of the evening trying to hold my breath to stop my hiccoughs.

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On our way to Waterford, we stopped in Wicklow to get my professional portrait taken. We went to my friend Andrew Miller, he took some great photos of me at my party last year. He spent ages warming up his camera by taking pictures of my parents. i was seriously worried that the lens might break before he got to take the proper photos of me. Apparently you’re meant to sit still for photos but I was posing too elaborately so Andrew had to tie my tail down to keep me still. I was not amused… Luckily for him, the photo came out really well. I’m planning on using it for my campaign posters for Grand Supreme Ruler of the Universe. I may get a second one done for the portraits that all my subjects will have to hang in their sitting rooms… Here’s the picture for you all to enjoy. Feel free to print it out, put it on your wall and draw hearts all over it 🙂

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Mummy says I’m turning into a spoiled brat with my fancy hotels, champagne and official portraits. I say, I’m worth it!

Until next time!

Oink xxx

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The numerous castles of Oink

Dear loyal followers,

I’m very bored today. I’m waiting to go to my best friend Snow’s house for dinner. I’m trying to get my Mum to bring me out straight away but she keeps making excuses. Apparently Snow is at school or gone to the moon or something until dinner time. If she has gone to the moon we could have a lot to discuss at dinner time…

 

In the meantime, I’ve been examining photos of myself. They’re the best kind of photos. I have some nice ones taken on my recent royal tour of Wales. I’m officially royal now because I have a prince outfit and also because a lot of the castles in Wales had my surname attached to them. That wasn’t quite good enough so I’ve renamed them all too. Castle Oink. Oink Castle. Chateau d’Oink. Oinkburg. Castle Oink 2. There were so many that I ran out of names…

 

Here’s a photo of me dressed as a Prince at Castle Oink in Caernarfon. I made Daddy carry me all the way to the top of the tallest tower so that I could shout instructions at all the tourists but they couldn’t hear me because it was too windy.

_DSC1971And here I am at Oink Castle in Beaumaris, also known as Beau-Oink-is. I particularly liked the moat at this castle, it would be fantastic for throwing people into when they disagree with me. I’ll have to make sure it’s full of rotten vegetables and other nasty smelling things… I ran around inside the walls for ages, it was great fun jumping out to scare all the tourists. They shouldn’t have been trespassing in my castle anyway, into the moat with them!

_DSC1928I really enjoyed my trip to Wales, it’s my type of country. They even have a dragon on their flag which is almost as good as having my face on it. I guess nowhere can be perfect. I’m going to ask Santa for a dragon this year, it would look good in the promotional video’s I’m planning for my new regime.

 

I’ll let you know how I get on at Snow’s house tonight 🙂

 

Oink x

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